


Funny Hallucinations

by Gepardo



Category: Once Upon a Time (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-07-16
Updated: 2013-07-16
Packaged: 2017-12-20 10:17:28
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 4,163
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/886092
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Gepardo/pseuds/Gepardo
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Archie Hopper questions his sanity</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [nothingeverlost](https://archiveofourown.org/users/nothingeverlost/gifts).



Dr. Hopper could only stare, unable to tell if he had finally lost it after years of being under Regina’s thumb and spiraling depression. He had to had lost it, it was the only logical explanation for what he was witnessing. It was the only reasonable thing, he had just lost it and was now hallucinating. Figures that even in his insanity he would be try to keep everyone safe by losing it in the middle of one of his strolls through the forest with Pongo.

The only question was, tho, why did his mind chose to give him hallucinations of a tophat-wearing man in Victorian clothes driving a golf cart through the forest. 

 

Deciding that perhaps it would be best to stay away from the town until he lapsed out of the hallucination before checking himself into the hospital’s psychiatric ward, he followed in the direction he saw the golf cart go. It didn’t take long to catch up to the odd little mode of transportation. It was park just at the edge of a little clearing by the river. Archie paused to poke it a few times. Well, it certainly was a very solid figment of his broken imagination. 

Turning to see where the man had gone, he spotted him just a few feet away, finishing setting up a fold-able table and starting to ladle it down with tea things, like a kettle, teacups, plates, pastries, ect. Until there was quiet a tea party set up.

The mad hatter, his hallucination was the mad hatter, he wonder when march hare and dormouse would show up. Perhaps Henry’s disillusionment with the fairytale book had been the last straw on the psychiatrist’s mind, specially after Regina ask him to break the boy’s link to his coping mechanism.   

Sighing, he walked over. “H-he…Hello"

The hatter spun around like a cat caught trying to eat the pet goldfish. “H-hiii?" His hand twitched back and forth, as if trying to decide whenever to touch him to see if he was real. Apparently his hallucination didn’t know he was just a illusion of a broken mind. Interesting.  If he was ever cure, he should certainly write a paper on this. 

"Mind if I join you?" Archie motion towards the table, thought he had still to see any chairs. 

"I…Well…um…S-sure.." The mad man slunk off back to the golf cart, jumpy and still looking unsure of what he thought of the obvious interloper. Archie found it ironic that his new imaginary friend was by far more skittish then he was, they were usually suppose to be an opposite quality, not the same and heighten. He watched quietly while the Hatter set up two fold-able chairs, while noting there were two more in the golf cart but remind there. 

Taking a seat, the cricket turned man looked over the contents of the table before looking at the host, who was still staring at him like Archie was about to jump up and murder him with his umbrella. He knew he wasn’t in any way, shape or form Alice, but his imagination should at least give his hallucinations a bit of a back bone. “So…what should I call you? I feeling something like…Jim?"

The hatter’s eyebrows knitted together in confusion and somewhat insulted expression, he looked haggard and slightly broken, the paleness to him made him question how trapped this character had been. Archie wonder what was wrong with himself to come up with such depressed looking man. “Jefferson…my name is Jefferson…" The man seemed to be strangling with how to put his words together. “You…you are jiminy, right?"

"So I was right with starting with a J…" Archie frowned. Jiminy? Henry had told him that he was suppose to be Jiminy Cricket…So he was clinging to Henry’s coping mechanism. “I suppose, but….um…I prefer Archie." He needed to keep from dwelling to deeply in this illusion.

"Ah…" They sat in silence, unable to continue the conversation and just listen to the few birds and insects that were active at that time of day. Jefferson suddenly jumped forward, startling Archie off his chair, and grabbed the teapot. "…Sorry…..um…Tea?" He didn’t wait for a response as he started to pour into two tea cups that were obviously from different sets. 

"Right…right…mad hatter…" Archie pulled himself back in his seat, missing the strange look that overtook the host’s face.

"Sugar? Milk or Lemon?" Jefferson retook his seat, drumming his fingers against the table, nervously staring at his companion. 

"Sugar is fine" He quickly took the sugar pot away from the nervous illusion. “I’ll serve myself, thank you."

"Right"

Jefferson watched him expectantly as he put two cubes of sugar in his tea then put the sugar pot back in its place, but obviously that was wrong since the hallucination quickly manhandle the little pot around before putting back on the same spot, but for perhaps a hair length of difference. Archie was really trying to not evaluate his own imagination, but was finding it truly difficult as Jefferson continuo to show more and more eccentric behavior. He mildly wonder if delusions of psychiatrists usually displayed odd mental behaviors, a little voice in the back of his head thanked god that he didn’t treated any violent serial murderers, if that was the case.

"So, Archie, was it?" Jefferson spoke carefully as he spilled some milk into his own cup, putting the jug back in its place and fixing the direction of the handle a few times before he left it alone and began to speak “This might sound very odd…but.." he took a sip of his tea, made a face at it and threw the teacup over his shoulder, grabbing another to restart the process, only going for lemon instead of milk this time “Are you…real?"

Archie stared at him for a bit, his own mind was trying to make him question his own existence? Being insane certainly made things interesting, didn’t it? No wonder the crazy could hold a conversation with themselves. “Of course I am real"

"Are you sure?"

"Of course I am sure! If anyone here is not real, its you!" he found himself became a bit annoyed at his existence being question, but also a little nervous, how did imaginary things reacted at being told they were not real? Jefferson’s reaction, as far as he could tell, was utter confusion. Archie wonder what it would be like to suddenly find that you are not real, that all that is you is just some character in someone’s head. That you are nothing but a empty little puppet filled with specific choices, quirks and knowledge…. Jefferson’s voice interrupted his train of thought

"Nope, I am quiet real" Archie looked to see the hatter pinching his arm quiet hard if the expression of pain in his face was anything to go by.

"No, you are not"

"Yes, I am"

"No. You. Are. Not!"

"Okay, WHY am I not real?" Jefferson leaned forward on the table, calmly and looking with interest at the good doctor.

"Why?! Because you are obviously a resulting hallucination from the mental breakdown I am going through! You are the bloody mad hatter, for god’s sake!" Archie exploded, rubbing his face a bit before fixing his glasses. “You are an eccentric thing drinking tea in the middle of the forest. What part of that doesn’t scream mental breakdown?"

"Do you believe animals can have mental break downs?" Jefferson spoke gently, a little grin starting to play on his lips.

Archie’s sudden outburst was simmering down, thought his anger at his own mentality laughing at him silently was slowly starting to boil. “I don’t know, perhaps, its a possibility…"

"Do you believe Pongo is having a mental breakdown along with you?"

"No, of course not."

"Then tell me, if I am not real, then why is your dog biting my leg?" Archie stared at him then looked around, having forgotten that he had had the dog with him to begin with. Pongo was nowhere to be seen in the immediate area, so he peeked under the table, and sure enough the dog was, not biting, but nomming away at the mad hatter’s left boot. He felt his face going as red as his hair as he realized how mistaken he had been.

"Pongo!" The dog’s eyes went wide as platters and look at him with jaws still wrapped around the boot “Stop that!"

Once the poor dalmatian stop his need to nom, Archie slowly peeked over the table’s edge towards the mad man..er…person. Jefferson’s lips stretched out into a too-wide smirk and wiggled his fingers into a mock flirtatiousness wave. “Hello there" He purrrred.

Well, he certainly got over his shyness quickly when the tables turn. Archie looked around, looking for an exist but then turned to the man. “Um…I should…Apologize for what I said…earlier…"

"Yes, yes, you should. How rude of you it all was. Telling me I don’t exist! Ha." He sipped his tea, seemingly unconcern by everything else that had been said. “So been questioning your sanity lately, Dr. Hopper?"

"No…just…seeing you driving a golf cart can convince anyone that they lost their mind…" Archie gave a nervous smile and was rewarded by a guffaw from the other. 

"Hmm, I should drive by more often then."

"Care if I ask a…" He paused, trying to find the right word. "..silly question?"

"Haven’t you already?"

Archie gave him a tired look until the hatter waved his hand to continue. “Why are you having tea in the middle of the forest?"

Jefferson’s eyes seemed to darken for a moment. “Its quiet here…"

"Noisy at home?"

He tilted his head and smiled an empty expression. “Not at all…"

"Then..?"

"Its a different type of quiet." Jefferson sipped his tea as his answer sunk in, leaving the doctor confuse but nodding slowly. They stayed silent for a while, Archie revaluating his notes from earlier, classifying Jefferson all over again.

"Do you come here often to drink alone?"

"Tend to.."

"Then why the extra chairs?" He couldn’t help motioning with the umbrella towards the cart still holding said items. 

"Mr. Gold sometimes stays for tea after he finishes….’gardening’" He, somehow, did air quotes with his fingers without putting his tea cup down, for some odd reason, Archie found that to be impressive.

"You know, that’s how rumors get started…"

"Are you a gossiper, Dr. Hopper?"

"No…but…Gardening…in…the middle…of the forest?"

"We are all a card short here, good doctor, you should know that better then anyone"

The cricket man gave him a slight look, trying to once again understand the meaning behind the odd man’s words. “You are saying we are all a little insane?"

"How else do you expect anyone to survive in this realm?" He chuckled softly. “Insanity is how we defend ourselves from the cruelty that is handed to us."

"I find that hard to believe."

"Says that man who once believe me an illusion and still stayed to take tea with it." 

"What else was I suppose to do if I was truly gone around the bend? Inflict myself onto the town? what if I-"

"Was violent?" He interrupted with a little smile. “Yes, better they find you dead in the woods days later, no? Because I wouldn’t had been able to convince the good doctor to do terrible horrible things? Because figments of the imaginations are never dangerous enough, they are not masters of your mind, they are certainly have no knowledge of how to manipulate you into doing something stupid…like…" He looked off towards the edge of the steep cliff that lead down to the river. “Take a nice cooling bath to ‘sane you up’ to go and check yourself into the hospital"

Archie hadn’t thought about any of that, it hadn’t even crossed his mind once, he had thought himself lucid enough to deal with whatever the other had to throw at him. Maybe he was a little insane. “Why are you telling me this?"

The hatter just shrugged his shoulders and gave a tilt of his head. “Because I can." He slowly got up and began to put things away. “Why was your dog chewing on my boot?"

He blinked once, and then twice, his mind trying to follow the other’s train of thought and failing miserably. “He..has a fascination with leather. A fixation, no matter what training technique I use, he won’t stop chewing on it if he thinks he can get away with it. I have to put my shoes behind a locked door every night or I’ll find them destroy by the morning." He gave a soft little chuckle, looking down towards Pongo, who just wagged his tail the moment attention was on him. He looked back up to see Jefferson getting ready to fold the table.

His hat tilted at the oddest of degrees without falling as he bent over to start pulling at the levers and at the legs to make them fold, his blue eyes oddly blank. “Had a dog once, Gracie loved her, named her Miss Pibbles. Worse mushroom finding dog ever, but could certainly bring a smile to her face." He frowned, something seemed to harden his expression from blank happiness to just a void. “Stupid thing died."

Archie watched him closely, reminding in his seat as the picnic basket that had held the tea things was put away, and then table table. “Whose Gracie?" He prompted quietly, trying to not startled the man.

"Someone who can’t remember me…" Was a whisper he barely could make sense of. 

"Oh…" He said can’t, not doesn’t…Archie made a note to check the hospital for any amnesiac patients named Gracie, maybe he could help.

Jefferson stood infront of him and stared at him, arms folded over his chest and eyes focus more then he had seen them all day. “What?"

He motion towards the chair. “Oh, sorry." 

Getting up, he gather Pongo’s leash as Jefferson put away the last chair, leaving no trace of his tea party but for a few disturbed blades of grass. He decided to turn the conversation to something safer. “So Mr. Gold drinks tea with you often?"

"Yes"

"Do you talk?" Maybe he could unreveal a bit more of the pawnshop owner.

"Sometimes…" The mad man gave him a grin. “He is a good friend."

Archie couldn’t help but blurt out before he could stop himself. “Mr. Gold has a friend?"

"Oh yes, poppet…" He giggled madly. “I am the best imaginary friend ever!" He looked around in an exaggerated way and came closer to Archie, breaking right through his personal barrier and getting close enough that their noses almost touch and whispered. “I can be seen by other people" 

He stared at him with wide eyes, wondering if it would be safe to step away from the blue-eyed brunette that was still hovering in front of him. “I see…"

"Of course you do!" He slunk away back to the cart. “Too bad you don’t really look." He sighed. “What a pity. What a waste of a doctor."

Archie frowned. “Hey, I-" He stopped short when he found the hatter once again an inch away from him in a blink of an eye.

"Open your eyes, good doctor, and you will see exactly what is wrong with your little town." He skipped away, like a little girl with a newly acquired doll. He twirled around and grinned a smile that would had made the Cheshire cat proud. “Because, who better to see it, then one’s conscious, hmm?"

"Jiminy cricket reference, really?"

He jsut shrugged and got into the cart, making the tiny motor come to life with a push of a button. “One last thing?"

"If you must." Archie was feeling a migraine coming on. 

"You know those notes you write in the napkins at the diner?" Archie open his mouth, about to question, but the hatter put his hand up quickly. “Uh uh uh, still talking, you rude little bug." He wagged his finger at him like he was a naughty little boy, making the psychiatrist blush. “The notes?" He quickly nodded. “Well, you might ball them up, but a certain waitress always reads them" He smirked too wide again. “And if she likes it, she keeps it. Must have hundredths by now…"

Archie open his mouth then closed it then open it again and just gape, because he knew exactly what he wrote in each of those notes, little love notes with no names, things he always wanted to say, but never could. Color started to rise up onto his face for the second time today and it just seemed to give Jefferson some great satisfaction as he cackled and drove off before he could composed himself again to question to the damn mad man.

It took him a moment, nervously contemplating everything he had learned today, before he got his legs to work and began walking home, but once he enter the quiet apartment, not matter of how Pongo’s nails clipped away at the tiles and wood of the floor, the quiet of the rooms disturbed him. There was an odd buzzing behind it, like angry bees about to attack. He only stayed for so long before he went off to look for different type of quiet.

Well…the diner wasn’t busy at this time of day….


	2. Little Notes

Ruby perked up as she heard the diner’s door open, it was that odd little hour when they had no costumers coming in and boredom settled, any new noise besides Granny arguing with the fry cook almost seemed to thunder through the place. A wide smile spread on her face when she saw it was Archie Hopper. 

 

He looked around with a slight dazed, unsure of why or how he got there before he went to take his usual seat. A seat that should probably just have ‘Archie’s’ print on it, he had breakfast every work day there, and dinner every single day as well. The psychiatrist was probably the number one reason they made rent every single month for the diner. Ruby went over to the table and smiled, putting down a glass of water and a pile of napkins, just like she always does, ever since she found what Archie wrote on those napkins, the napkin pile had gotten a little bit taller, in hopes he would write more of those little love notes. She knew they were meant for whoever Archie was mooning over, but couldn’t help but hoard every single one, every single little love struck word. 

Ruby always attracted creeps and perverts, like Dr. Whale, so she would scurry after each little love note left, hoping someday those notes would be turned towards her. To be loved like Archie’s girl was like unattainable love to her, even if that girl didn’t know his immense love for her, he probably lavish her with as much attention as possible. His soothing quiet voice came over and she snapped back into attention, smiling brightly. 

"Tea, please…and, um….a piece of pie?" He was painfully shy when out of his element. When talking about human behavior or a person’s mind, he could talk for hours, his hands getting away from him in his excitement, moving in high arches and twitching. When he brought those magazines with new articles, she would sit with him the moment her break came on and coax him to talk about it. She didn’t understand a single word, but will always pay as much attention as possible. Ruby knew every single tick and twitch, knew what meant nervous, and what was happiness. She watched him for so long and never spoke a word in those moments. 

"Coming right up" She tapped her little notepad and walked away, inwardly cheering when she saw from the corner of her eye that familiar monogram pen come out and start scribbling away. She brought him back his tea and piece of pie(it was actually the size of two slices, but granny was still arguing away with the fry cook, she’ll never know!), and got little shy smile and thank you. She moved back and out of his line of sight and watch him quietly, wanting to talk with him, but he never wrote when she sat down at his booth. 

Ah! There one of the napkins was already all balled up and waiting to be picked. Ruby sat still tho, like an impatient puppy on the ‘leave it’ command, staring down at her ‘treat’. Her eyes widen a bit when Archie flicked his arm a bit and the napkin went flying across the floor. She got up as slowly and as gracefully as her mind would allowed her and went after it, picking it up off the floor. Must keep the diner clean after all! She stepped away with a little smile to him and walked back to her seat, perching happily on it as she smooth out the napkin and put it away in her pocket. These were her best tips, these were things she would share with no one. 

A little crinkle noise and she looked up of her patting her pocket lovingly to see yet another napkin all balled up on the floor. She waited, she couldn’t go running after it like Pongo after a tennis ball. Nope. She will seat here and wait and be miserable for the next few minutes cause she was desperate little girl who wanted her love notes! Oh this was so mess up, she was stealing some other girl’s love notes and mooning over some other girl’s guy and why couldn’t Archie just like her?! It wasn’t fair.

She heard another crinkle noise and almost whimper at seeing another balled up napkin falling right next to him. This time she quickly got up and picked it up along with the other before he could snatch it back. She waved away his apologizes, commenting back that compare to other costumers like Henry and Lerroy, he was saint of cleanliness. A few napkins were nothing. 

These few napkins were everything, but she just smiled as she pocket them and looked over the table, the tea was drunk and the pie eaten but for the crust at the end. He always was so particular, he never ate that part, just put it away and took it with him when he left, and she had never asked him why, tho her curiosity had long been sated when she saw him feed it to Pongo once at the park. She felt ashamed to feel so jealous of a dog, and every time she saw him wrapped up the crust in a napkin, the jealousy just rose up again. It was just embarrassing, really.

He payed for the meal and left too hefty of a tip, thank her and walked out after a quick and stuttering goodbye. His eyes seemed to be on something else, it took her a second to notice that they were probably looking at the level of her pockets. He didn’t know that she read them, right? How could he? He wouldn’t leave them laying around if he knew. No, she was just seeing things. 

Picking up the money, she put it away and cleared the table, putting the dishes away in the back, but her mind kept going back to that last look. Okay, he clearly couldn’t know she read the notes, but…what if he had finally decided to go tell her? Or what if he was finally given up on that girl? Or decided he was going to proposed?! Ruby honestly didn’t know if Archie was dating anyone, she highly doubt it with his frequency to the diner and the fact he was always eating alone or with Henry, but damn it, she could be missing something always stuck inside this little shop! There were such a thing as day-time dates, right?! Damn it, he almost never came for lunch and..and…

She quickly put away the money in the cash register and took a seat in Archie’s booth, giving the diner’s door a death glare as if daring someone to come in before she open all the napkins, quickly straightening them, lay them out on the talbe and then gasp.

_Hi Ruby. Do you really read these or was the mad man making up stories?_

_Do you like them? I hope you do, I wish I could say all those words to you._

_If you like them, please meet me at the Troll Bridge at 8 pm tonight. ~~Please like them~~_

__

_~~  
~~_Ruby never before got into such a screaming match with her grandmother to let her have a night off before, but by everything sacred, she was going there!


End file.
